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I Am FAT

September 26, 2009
*sobs*

*sobs*

Now before all of you jump down my throat. Let me explain. I bought a secondhand wedding dress online from Once Wed. Yes, for all those dress romantics, it is The Dress. The seller and I have been in talks for what seems like weeks. I waited for what seemed like forever for the dress (really was like 3 days). I snuck off early in the morning to collect it from the post office while my Darling was asleep in bed and brought it back home.

I ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. It would be just my luck my Boy would blunder in half asleep wanting to use the bathroom while I was trying the dress on. I was taking no chances! Like some treasured jewel, it was boxed within box cocooned inside layers of tiffany blue tissue and bubble wrap. I felt very Carrie Bradshaw as she opened the box that Vivienne Westwood sent her in the Sex and the City Movie but a whole lot less dramatic and a lot more awed hushness. I finally pulled it out and the Heavens shone on us.

Kidding.

It silently slithered out of the box and I pull it on. I zip it up as I looked into my toothpaste splattered mirror and it slides up… only to stop two inches from the top. Pause. Then ensues a moment reminiscent of a romantic comedy. Arms up and over my head and around my back, in positions that would make a contortionist proud, I wiggle and tug, and held my breath. This cannot be happening! I am tiny! I am the envy of the girls around me! I can consume gallons of Dr Pepper and still mantain a size 0 (I mean, I have a couple of misplaced bumps but still). Gah!

So my options are: a) lose weight and pronto. Which means no more Dr. Pepper, no more quickie trips to Wendy’s because I don’t want to cook, no more corn on cob slathered with butter and salt *sob*, and going to the gym (urgh). Or b) take it to a seamstress and pray she works miracles. I need Spanx, I need detoxing body wraps, masks, I need to tape my boobs down, laxatives…

*sigh*

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 27, 2009 2:08 pm

    funniest. post. ever.
    i have no advice for you, but you made me smile!!

  2. Lorraine permalink
    September 29, 2009 12:46 am

    Aww. I actually have this dress in a size that is too large for me. I’d say let’s make a trade, as I think I could zip it up over my chest, but my hips would probably not fit and would require the same circling and sobbing that you’re going through. Hopefully your seamstress can do something using the extra length or even the tie on the back. You can’t be the only one she’s seen with this issue.

  3. October 3, 2009 2:35 am

    Aw, don’t worry! It didn’t fit me perfectly when I first tried it on either, and the seamstress was able to work wonders – there are seams along the side that are easy to let in or out.

    I can tell it’s going to be beautiful on you though, I can’t wait to see how you style it 🙂

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