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I Am A Worry Freak

January 12, 2010

Show me a bride who has not freaked out/had nightmares/ wanted to call off her wedding/ cried/ worried and I will show you a groom who has freaked out/ had nightmares/ wanted to call off his wedding/ cried/ worried.

My legally wedded husband of course is beyond easy-going calm about this. He was like this when we legally wedded too. Before the legal ceremony I had nightmares, a different one every night. One night, he left me for another woman “I am sorry. It just happened” and in my dreams I grabbed the front of his shirt shaking him and sobbing hysterically, “You promised you would love me forever. You promised”. Another night, he simply did not love me anymore, “It was just gone” he said. Even in my dreams I remember the feeling of hollowness deep in my belly. I would wake up tears streaming down my cheeks and shaking. They all felt so real. The day we got married, the nightmares stopped.

After the 15 minute ceremony, for weeks afterward I kept going “We are married”. “We are flipping bound for life. For eternity. For forever.” He reasonably replied from the depths of the recent book I recommended, “Well technically dear, it’s really for like 50 years”. “You are not taking this seriously. We are m.a.r.r.i.e.d.” I would say exasperatedly. How can he be so laissez faire about this? This is huge. I had nightmares for weeks before this. “Yes, dear, I know. I was there”.

This time I am not having nightmares. Not exactly. But I worry because I am an uncurable worry wart (my psychitrist says its because I am also a control freak but we will not go there). So I worry. I am a frequent visitor to the land of what-ifs. What if we run out of food? What if my mother makes me cry? What if my phone rings during the ceremony (Oh wait, I already went there!)? What if it rains? What I trip and fall flat on my face as I am walking down the aisle on my gold stripper heels? What if I get red wine down the front of my dress?

During my hen party I confided in my girls that I was not just freaking out about my wedding but I am overwhelmed by the amount of things that could possibly go wrong at my wedding. So many worries. What if something happens that I did not anticipate? Not that I am fully capable to deal with any worries I have anticipated but still I wouldn’t want to be surprised.

“But Jesselyn,” one of them said patiently (they are familiar with my descent into madness, my friends are), ” no matter what goes wrong, at the end of the day you married. To the man you love”

I stopped mid freak-out and my mind blanks in that way minds often do. Where you take a moment to orient yourself after a knock to the head. At the end of the day, I am married. Whatever that can possibly go wrong cannot eclipse the fact that the Shoestring Boy and I are together. How marvelous.

How did I ever forget that that is what is important at the end of the day?

 Picture credited to Break

 

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 12, 2010 7:32 am

    its nice to know we can count on the end result through our freak outs over centerpieces and flowers, etc. That is what my boy is best at through this whole process 🙂

  2. January 12, 2010 8:42 am

    Good to know I am not the only one

  3. January 12, 2010 12:22 pm

    I’ve sat for ages trying to find the right words but can’t.

    Yay for the love you obviously share and that’s all that matters.

  4. January 12, 2010 4:54 pm

    that photo is awesome!

  5. Jesselyn permalink*
    January 13, 2010 3:39 am

    @ mina – I know! So hysterical. My Honey looked over my shoulder as I am proofing it and goes “yeah, like you’ld ever do that!”. He is right. I cannot even put air in my tires.

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