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I Never Wanted This

February 2, 2010
by

Have I mentioned on this blog that I never wanted to get married? Not even remotely interested. I wanted a career, a lovely loft in the city, power over lots of minions; you know, what every sane woman wants if she ever thought about the fact that a marriage would really just hold her back in life. Flash forward to the present, I am currently looking at my calender marveling panicking that I am about to tie the (social) knot with my legal hubby. Writing about it (no minions in sight), which by the way, the Myers-Briggs says that is so not what I am suppose to be doing with my life.

My phone buzzes constantly (and much to my embaressment, frequently during the beginning of Bible Study) about wedding plans, things I have yet to do (plan a rehearsal dinner, sell my car, drive down to Houston), friends count down how many days I have left to wed. I am ashamed to admit, I find myself doing what I frequently do when I feel myself overwhelmed: I shut down. I sleep all day, I avoid my phone and the email like the plague and in case you are wondering, this is not a good coping mechanism. Like a deer in the headlights I am stunned by the onset speeding car towards me, maybe not such a good analogy about my impending nuptials?

“What was I thinking?” I moan to my husband, “why did we not just take the money and run away to Hawaii?” He very unforgivingly tells me, “I told you so”. It’s true, he did, and I didn’t listen because I frequently don’t. I wanted the big medium sized wedding. The couture dress, the big party because heck, I love to party. How dare I moan? How dare I even consider calling the whole thing off (I have, believe me, many a time)? As brides go, I have gotten very, very, lucky with my wedding planning.

For example, I called my mother a couple of weeks ago and picked a fight with her. When I sheepishly called her the next day to apologize for my crazy behavior (crazy it was, there is no getting around that, this wedding makes me crazy), she told me kindly, “I have already forgotten about it. You stress too much”. I have cried only once (picking a fight with my mother). I have had the most wonderfully supportive hubby/fiance a girl could want. He is not interested in the least about wedding details but dutifully follows me to every planning meeting, tasting, what-have-you; proof-reads my blog when I ask him to (if you are a regular reader, you will notice that it is not often) so I don’t say “seriously” 4 times in a paragraph. I have a sister who is my constant defender and consoler.

Me: *whining about some girl in my party who is just not doing what I want her to*

Sister: What a bitch.

Me: Well… maybe she has a point.

Sister: No, she is a bitch. What is her number? I’ll tell her.

My brother, my not-so-hidden household spy on my parents who I can always count on when I call, to go into his bedroom and tell me what exactly mom and dad think about this whole wedding shin-dig. Oh, and lets not forget dad who is paying for the whole darn thing.

I found a supportive circle of mutual brides and bride-graduates who I can count on to help me keep my sanity, think that my writing is passable, and tell me when I have to retire the word bling because really, once is often enough. What more can a girl ask for? Why am I panicking? Shutting down? Lawdy, woman, get over thine self!

I am frightened.

I am so scared.

My father in his card to me on the day of my bridal shower welcomed me to marriage: “the start of all things beautiful”. Maybe. Or the start of a life long mistake. I am pretty sure every couple in the haze of love looked at their wedding and thought this was forever. . . and half of those ended in divorce. Mass media tells you if you so much as doubt your upcoming marriage/ person, you should not get married. If that were the case maybe people ought to start doubting because it obviously didn’t do a whole lot just not thinking about the situation.

In my worst days, I have to remind myself, “Too late! You are already married”. Which as you can imagine, is not very comforting. I tick off all the things that Cory and I have got going that makes this a thing of forever: we are great communicators, my parents have been married forever, we love each other. Then my mind races through every differences we have: I am naturally restless (some say reckless), Cory is safe, a creature of routine, comfort, Cory is a product of divorce (doesn’t divorce beget divorce?), I am religious, he is not . . . and this list seems scarily longer than the first list. Again no comfort. I sit in front of the TV with my laptop late at night looking for a distraction: anything, anything until my eyes can no longer keep themselves open of their own accord, and then I stumble my way to the bedroom (literally, there is, for some odd reason an inordinate amount of stuff on our floor these days), crawl under the covers and creep up next to him. I listen to his breathing. Smell his smell. I kiss the back of his neck and fall slowly and fitfully to sleep and mutter to myself “I want this” because I do.

 

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. February 2, 2010 9:00 am

    You’re right, mass media makes you feel like your marriage is doomed if there is any doubt whatsoever. When so much is going on, sometimes I just have to give myself a time out so I’m not overwhelmed and can focus on the good things.

  2. February 2, 2010 9:56 am

    I think its normal to have doubts. Its a very big decision. How can you be so arrogant as to imagine that your wedding/marriage will be perfect when so many arent?

    I am glad you have a strong support group.

  3. February 2, 2010 10:29 am

    Amen sister, amen.

  4. barbride permalink
    February 2, 2010 10:46 am

    Beautiful post Jess. I love the ending. I’ve had that feeling before.

  5. davidwoon permalink
    February 3, 2010 2:22 am

    Sweetheart i can so relate to stuff on the floor! No idea why but as the wedding got closer i had piles on the floor! the good news is no wedding is perfect otherwise its artificial! The other good news is your married! So the wedding is just telling everyone else what u already know! Because i do was the theme of our wedding because getting married, loving someone is really a choice we make and we make it for life, dont fret on small stuff, work on the big stuff. we luv ya! Hugs

  6. davidwoon permalink
    February 3, 2010 2:22 am

    Opps…just realised i am using my brother’s account….that was me by the way, Dinah! 🙂

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