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Post Wedding Blues

March 1, 2010

I think I understand now why most (actually all, but broke little old me) couples go away for a honeymoon after their big shindig. It is because if not, one gets a little blue sitting on their couch playing video games and reading books and blogs and nursing a semi-hangover.

I don’t want to be dramatic, but planning this wedding saved my life (while simultaneously driving me bat crazy). Maybe I am one of those crazies who does not have a life outside her wedding. What could be more interesting than debating the merits of midnight and blush versus marine and seafoam?

Towards the tail end of last year, I found myself in a Julie of Julie and Julia fame predicament. It is my personal belief that anyone of semi-ambition, above average intelligence often find themselves in a sort of funk come their mid-twenties. Suddenly, all the things you were told you could accomplished seems like an over-rated informercial, except horror upon horror, what they were trying to sell was you.

Now, I get irrationally angry over interveiws with successful, accomplished men and women who gape in awe at their supposed unforseen success, “I never thought I would be a multimillionaire by the time I was 35 by opening up my small business”. Apparently, in order to be successful, one should have very low expectations indeed. Except I don’t have low expectations of myself. I am destined for great things. Maybe this was the failing of my parents for allowing me to think that if I put my mind to anything I could be a success. Maybe it is the fault of my own. How dare I think I am entitled to more?

Suddenly, like April Wheeler from Revolutionary Road, “I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we’ve shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don’t know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made … we were never special or destined for anything at all”. After the movie, I came home and sobbed hopelessly into my pillow. Haven’t I been putting my hope into a promise that was never made? What pride! What foolishness! What a sad, sad, desperation.

My father announced proudly to the gathered friends and family at our wedding that I started reading at the age of two and a half. I remember being two years old and very aggravated at my mother for making me read out loud to make sure I knew the words. I knew the words and frankly, I read much faster silently, my eyes skimming over the words than I did out loud. Sometimes, I think they wonder how did a girl with such promise turn out to be nothing at all.

I need a project because I feel listless. I want something to remind me, to allow me to pretend that greatness is just the next big project, the next big job. Maybe then, the world might seem promising. Maybe then, I will remember that I am worth something. That the world doesn’t end beyond my couch, the sun does not set right outside my apartment window.

 

 Author’ Note: I actually wrote this a week ago and never posted it. A blog is suppose to be fluffy after all. Everyone is depressed. No one actually wants to – Heaven forbid – read about it for Heaven’s sake. I mean, everyone is looking for fluff on the Internet and writing about depression is so not fluff. Then my mother wrote me a lovely email:

“You are now married, and Cory is a good man, please, please don’t push too far. Look after yr husband, I told you. Be a good wife, as the bible says be submissive to your spouse. Try not to be depressed all the time, sleep all the time, clean up yr apartment, cook for him. Did I failed to teach you? … We love you, and we hate to see you like this. It really depressed us.”

 

“Argh!” I shrieked at the computer screen. Arden the Beagle pricked up his ears. My husband pats my knee consolingly. He is use to me shrieking when my mother is involved. Ah well, I am going to get some fried chicken, some Dr. Pepper and have me a pity party on the couch. A lighter post to follow. Promise.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. March 1, 2010 11:17 pm

    That email would have made me crazy too if it was from my mother!

    I think everyone feels like this from time to time. Especially after big life events.

    Thanks for being real.

  2. March 1, 2010 11:42 pm

    Thanks for your honesty, I totally hear ya.

    Got to love mothers and their pearls of wisdom.

  3. March 2, 2010 1:30 am

    Honesty is always wanted. Fripperies are lovely but not in opposition to hearing when people need people.

    I hope that I can be there for you despite being so far away. Ax

  4. March 2, 2010 6:11 am

    I was having a mid twenties crisis and I got a nose piercing. Its frivolous, but it made me feel like the old me and helped, just a little bit.

    Sorry you are depressed, but a fried chicken pity party sounds wonderful.

  5. March 2, 2010 8:58 am

    is there room for me on your couch? i’m in need of an ice cold dr. pepper just about now (despite the fact it’s 7:45 am)

    i think that wedding blogs, in particular, are of the fluffy lighthearted variety…nobody goes into REAL details about the woes of the world…or the drama and struggles of real life, love and loss.

    i’m sorry you are feeling a little lost right now. i don’t think you are alone…though i don’t suppose that brings the rainbows. hang in there. the rollercoaster will take you to the top again.

    AND i can’t believe you could freaking read when you were two. holy hell.

    • Jesselyn permalink*
      March 2, 2010 2:45 pm

      My mom was the crazy kind who believed in early childhood development. I couldn’t play with anything that wasn’t educational, my mother would make me memorize rhymes, tongue twisters, poetry. She would cut out newspaper articles she thought were interesting and leave it on the breakfast table for me to find when I woke up to read and we would discuss it at dinner. I am not sure it paid off. She never did it with the other kids. lol. Got lazy I suppose

  6. barbride permalink
    March 2, 2010 10:10 am

    I love the honesty of your blog. The only reason I keep my blog light and fluffy is because once when I wrote a post about changing my name that was semi-serious, a lot of drama with the in-laws ensued. That just made me scared to blog about anything too real that could hurt anyone. But it’s just me being a coward…I think the fluffy stuff gets boring after a while.
    Sorry to hear you’re down…I’m sure it’ll pass with time. That email would have bugged me too. Mothers really know how to push our buttons.

  7. March 2, 2010 10:20 am

    I think big life changes make one re-consider their identity and dreams. It’s true, “real life” is sometimes disappointing, and pursuing dreams (or sometimes even finding, or re-finding, a dream) often takes more time than anticipated. Sometimes YEARS more. Dreams change as we get to know ourselves and the world better over the years, and that is okay. I have also had some self-reflection over especially the last few weeks, which I guess has been brought about by an international move and getting married last fall, and starting a new life in another culture, and I guess I am still processing it and am learning more about myself. And that place of change, uncertainty, and re-defining just isn’t a comfortable place to exist, but I think it teaches us about our self and we will come out stronger on the other side. All that to say…hang in there and thank you for your openness with a difficult subject. Give yourself some grace, and some time to process, and maybe you can find some sort of fun project that you feel excited about, in the meantime? Take care…

  8. March 2, 2010 1:17 pm

    I felt like this through periods of my late 20s and even now. I think it’s normal for people with high expectations out of life. Maybe it’s just normal, period, but people aren’t talking about it?

    Hang in there.

  9. March 2, 2010 2:25 pm

    Hey you’re just percolating all of your ideas to take over the world! I saw an interesting E! Behind the Music-esque program (on HK tv) about Ang Lee, the director. Apparently, he sat on his couch for 5 years and ate cheetos before he finally directed a movie. His wife was very aggrevated with him because he wasn’t a particularly good househusband (he wasn’t very good at watching his children or cleaning) and told her mom she was thinking of divorcing him, but her mom told her to hang in there. But finally, he got off the couch, got some funding, and became the oscar-winning director he is today!

    • Jesselyn permalink*
      March 2, 2010 2:47 pm

      Percolating. What an awesome word. I am jealous you used it in a sentence. Definately need some crazy Cheetos to get my ass into gear

  10. March 2, 2010 4:20 pm

    Hey Jesselyn! Totally feel you, I think everyone feels a wee bit depressed after their wedding… because it’s over (wailing!). No worries, soon enough you’ll have a new project (decorating, cooking, photography) I’m sure of it!

  11. Jason permalink
    March 2, 2010 9:16 pm

    When I was young, I used to compete in baby beauty pageants (seriously) and I would get ranked. As I got older, I got uglier. The modeling career my mom had in mind for me didn’t work out after all… =(

  12. March 2, 2010 9:52 pm

    OMFG your mother.

    PS I love that movie. and I, too, would kill myself if I had her life. What a let down. So, yeah, nothing wrong with dreaming big and making yourself get there.

  13. March 7, 2010 2:02 pm

    thank you for this. not only did i want to read this, i needed to read this and i wish i could write it on my own blog. but my mom reads my blog and sometimes (okay all the time) i just don’t want her that far in my head.
    did you watch the movie or read Julie and Julia? i read it last year and i’m still desperately searching for my thing. the wedding was simultaneously amazing and horrible for my state of mind. i hadn’t been that creative in ages, but i also haven’t been able to do more creative things post wedding and i feel that giant let down. i’m back to trying to figure out what i can do in my life to make me happy. so far my blog and reading other like-minded blogs are my only outlet.
    you know i started planning my circus party and having told seven people about it, managed to piss off two. why don’t i have friends that actually enjoy fun frivolous things like that? i planned my wedding almost solely by myself. hence not necessarily getting the results that i was looking for. i digress. just, thank you.

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