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When Good Couples Fight

June 11, 2010
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Most men (but not all) want to solve things right now. When Cory and I get into an argument, I take off in my car and drive to the nearest Barnes and Noble whereupon I take myself into a corner of the bookstore, curl up with a small cup of tea and read myself into a different place and time. Cory on the other hand wants to resolve things right here and right now. When we first started dating he would try to stop me from leaving, or he would try to get into the car which infuriated me. Like a bad soap opera, I would drive off in a fury, him trying to buckle his seat beat while I careened into the freeway. Putting myself, Cory, and everyone on I-30 with me in mortal danger. He would be begging me to pull over into a gas station and I would burst out in heart-wrenching sobs and he would hold me.

The stuff of Stephanie Meyer novels, I tell you.

Cory and I don’t hardly ever yell about the hard stuff. One night, he had been picking on me all day. I was cooking dinner for him: spaghetti. When I was finally done with dinner he looks at me and in straight-face replied, “oh honey, you took so long, I am not even hungry anymore”. The straw broke. Not just broke. Shattered. “Fine,” I yelled, “then I guess you don’t need this anymore!” and dumped the entire contents of his dinner plate into the trash and stalked off. There was also the time he came home with a hookah and a hundred dollars poorer: an impulse buy. More than just the hookah was smoking that night.

When it comes to the important issues though: God, children, the Patriot Act (wait I take that back, that argument gets pretty heated) money, family. I like to think we are pretty rational. Cory and I trying very hard to resolve our fights before we go to bed. We try to argue sitting down because (for me at least) it is very hard to be hysterical when you are sitting down. However, I tend to say the most cutting remarks. Cory always needs to get the last word.

We believe one of the keys to a great relationship is great sex communication (well, sex too). We try to talk about everything. As rationally as we can (this is where he usually interjects insisting he is often more rational than I). We don’t have it perfect but I think we handle things pretty well.

How do you and your significant other fight? What works for you?

 

 

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. June 11, 2010 5:31 am

    When Geoff and I argue it usually ends less than an hour and it’s really just me being a brat and pouting. He’s always so logical (is there a thing called too logical?) that he always reasons with me and points out certain stuff where I choose to ignore or not think about.
    Now, when we FIGHT, it’s me yelling and cursing up a storm and every time I try to leave Geoff doesn’t allow me b/c I’m so angry that i might get into a car accident on my way out. Big fights usually last 2-3 hours but we always mend it before we go to bed b/c I hate going to sleep angry/upset. The next morning it’s still shaky, but by mid-morning we’re both fine.
    It’s not the things like money, in-law issues, jobs, or any big topics like that, usually we argue about something and as Geoff always say, “it escalates”. (I’m like it escalates b/c you don’t say sorry! Or you don’t understand why I’m upset)
    I think it’s healthy for couples to argue/fight here and there. It means you love each other and hash things out. Some people say they never argue or fight at all and that’s scary to me. Plus w/o any communication there’s always bound to be trouble ahead.

  2. A Smart permalink
    June 11, 2010 9:11 am

    ahh the spagetti fight remember that one well!! lol!! Mr. S and I fight and sometimes it can get ugly. I have trained myself to walk away and just like your boy mine was really bad about refusing to let me leave the room until it was resolved and it would only piss me off and many things were said (ugly, nasty things!!) He finally learned that just because I was walking away didn’t mean I didn’t want to resolve it but rather that I was so mad things I never would say to even my worst enemy were bound to come flying out of my mouth. Now we seperate putting at least a room in between us if not an entire city!! Not saying he still doesn’t try and keep me there but he is getting better about letting me go. I guess its just a growing time between couples to learn what kinds of fighting works for you.

  3. June 12, 2010 11:23 am

    it depends on the location…all of our conflict has been abroad and we’ve been in circumstances where we can’t leave. My hubby is by far the better communicator in the relationship…i tend to clam up during conflict. In the end though it always ends with forgiveness.

  4. June 13, 2010 6:24 pm

    Good post!

    Funny you brought it up because this weekend was the first time ever that I’ve been pissed off at the Groomie overnight. He got his dates wrong with something and we had already invited friends over for the night, so I had to entertain them by myself for a few hours.

    He got up the next morning and cleaned the apartment though, and went out and got me a croissant and coffee, so by the time I got up I was okay.

    Generally though, we don’t really fight. We disagree, but we don’t usually get angry. Big talkers.

  5. June 17, 2010 9:27 am

    Oh, fighting… I am the “lets-solve-it-right-now-because-I-have-to-make-my-points” and he’s so the opposite. He’s a listener. I’m the talker. He’s rational. I’m the lets-go-fucking-egg-their-house-I-hate-them! Yes, I really said that once.

    I think aside from great sex and communication, it’s balance. He doesn’t interfere with my need to be a raging bitch, or whiney, or contemplative afterwards. And I am learning that he is pensive, takes his time with words, and has the patience of Ghandi.

    This is why I think being married will be an adventure! 🙂

    • Jesselyn Girl permalink*
      June 17, 2010 2:23 pm

      That makes me laugh Cory says I am NOT rational when I am mad. Like I get a little crazy. I want to take them down, take their family down, etc. You get the picture! Very mafia of me.

  6. lucidlilith permalink
    July 22, 2010 6:49 am

    I just had a big fight with my boyfriend. we are supposed to be moving in together in eight days! He said some mean stuff to me…some if it ethnic and race-based. (I am Nigerian-born and he is White. I said some mean stuff to him…mostly insulting his intelligence.

    Things usually escalate when we argue unless someone has the foresight to put a stop to it by forcing the other to take a deep breath. But not last night. We were both piiiisssseeed!

    I tend to want to walk into another room until I calm down but he wants to talk about things mostly to make his point rather than hear mine. I can be unemotional and he can be a raging asshole and throw tantrums.

    I just wanted to hear if anyone else thinks relationships like this can survive.

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